You Can’t Fix Loneliness with a Relationship

Cherrice Smith
Jul 10
4 min read

Updated: Jul 16

How to recognize when you’re settling for attention—not connection—and what to do about it

Woman out in nature, looking out into the horizon with arms crossed, contemplative.

💔The Ache Beneath the Want

You ever wanted someone so badly it felt like you couldn’t breathe when they didn’t call?

That aching feeling, the checking your phone, the obsessing over texts, the mental reruns of every conversation…it doesn’t always mean you’re in love.

Sometimes it means you’re lonely.

Loneliness doesn’t always look like silence. Sometimes it looks like situationships, fantasy relationships, or trying to make something real with someone who barely shows up.

It’s not that you don’t have standards. It’s that fear is louder.

Fear of being alone. Fear of growing older without a partner. Fear of becoming the woman who "had it all together" except for love.

So instead of choosing peace, we choose proximity. We attach to anyone who offers attention, even if it’s inconsistent, confusing, or emotionally unavailable.

Because attention feels better than silence.

But here’s the truth: You can’t fix loneliness with a relationship. Especially not one that gives you crumbs and calls it care.

🎭Why Attention Feels Like Enough (Even When It’s Not)

When someone gives you just enough to keep you interested—but not enough to feel secure—you start to bond to breadcrumbs.

A white dinner plate with a few breadcrumbs on it. — Breadcrumb Bonding (n.): The pattern of attaching to minimal, inconsistent signs of affection and mistaking them for connection.

This is called intermittent reinforcement and it lights up the same parts of your brain as addiction.

Your brain starts to crave their attention, even when it’s inconsistent. You feel anxious when they pull away and relieved when they return. And that relief feels like connection.

It’s not love. It’s survival.

You’re not crazy. You’re chemically attached to the hope that they’ll finally show up.

But that hope can keep you stuck for months, even years.

And while words may say, “I want you,” or “Let’s see where this goes,” the actions say everything. If their behavior lacks consistency, presence, or care, believe the behavior!

Words create fantasy. Actions reveal reality.

💼The High-Achieving Woman’s Dilemma

You’re excellent at work. Brilliant with your friends. Respected, strong, driven.

But in love? You feel confused, anxious, unchosen.

So many high-achieving Black women carry the weight of hyper-independence and emotional starvation at the same time. We don’t know how to receive love, only how to earn it.

And that pattern makes us bond to people who never really show up. Because we think if we do more, love will come.

It won’t.

📊 Chemistry vs. Connection

Let’s break this down:

Chemistry	Connection
Intense spark	Steady presence
Unpredictable highs	Safe emotional ground
Fast bonding	Built intimacy
Feels exciting	Feels like home

Chemistry without connection can sometimes be your nervous system mistaking chaos for chemistry.

If love has always come with pain, inconsistency might feel like passion. But that doesn’t mean it’s safe. That doesn’t mean it’s real.

When we bond quickly to people who mirror past wounds, whether through emotional unavailability, mixed signals, or unpredictability, we’re not chasing love. We’re replaying old scripts, hoping for a different ending.

That’s not healing. That’s a loop.

⚡️How To Know You’re Settling for Attention, Not Connection

You feel more anxious than secure
You confuse check-ins with intimacy
You give more than you receive
You stay longer than you should
You feel lonely even when you’re not alone

That’s not love. That’s fear dressed up as hope.

✅ What To Do Instead

1. Pause the pursuit.

Notice who you chase and why. Ask yourself: Do I feel safe, or just seen?

2. Practice the “Let’s See” mindset.

Not everyone deserves your full investment right away. You don’t have to decide someone is your person just because there’s interest. Sit back, observe, and say: Let’s see how he continues to show up.

Woman sitting outside in a mountain area writing in journal.

3. Process your attachment.

Explore where your fear of abandonment or rejection started. This might come from childhood wounds, early relationships, or systemic narratives around Black womanhood and worth.

4. Practice grounded dating. (A sneak peek from my Date Different framework)

Ask better questions:

Does he have the capacity to love me?
Do his actions align with his words?
Am I emotionally nourished, or just entertained?
Am I afraid to be alone, or afraid to choose better?

5. Nourish yourself deeply.

You don’t have to wait for a partner to feel full. Invest in what fills you up: meaningful friendships, creative outlets, movement, community, rest. Build a life you love so that partnership becomes an addition, not a rescue.

6. Get support.

This is where therapy helps. You don’t have to heal this alone.